My Arabic vocabulary is often a reflection of how I was brought up. The fact that I know how to say "fill out form" but can't come up with the word for "hand" is an indicator to what consumed my family. A favourite word in our household "ka'abe" meaning depression. There's been no secret of our tendencies to become depressed and it wouldn't surprise me if it was the first word I uttered as a child. My parents were very open about it and although they were strong people they would require their space by declaring their depression. It was never momentary; some days it was unbearable whilst during the good days it was manageable.
When I found out I was pregnant I immediately sought a councillor because I wanted to be mentally "sorted" before the baby came. 5 years later and I'm not sure how sorted I am. I've taken the approach my parents did and almost embraced it. It's taken me this long to understand that not everyone has depression. That the cloud which insists on blocking the sun doesn't follow everyone and that the 50 kg rock which sinks your body back on the couch when you so badly want to stand up doesn't hit everyone. I wonder what it's like seeing the world without depression. What it's like doing what you want and sticking to a decision without having to take the doubt into consideration. These wonderings have it made easier for me to understand depression. But I still can't wrap my head of the not knowing. I've tried and it's impossible for me to see things for what they are and do the things I want. I seem to have the ability to draw the most melancholic to me, but for every 5 depressed soul I connect to, one chirpy one comes my way. Depression or not, we all have bad moments and adversities in our lives. The difference is how to deal with it. How fully emerged we become into that problem and how long it stays with us. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember and since becoming a mother I've sought help. There are days where I struggle with breathing, where the list of things to do turns into a list of painful things to accomplish and I just can't do it. The most painful aspect of depression is the reaching out for a solution just to find that nothing can heal you.